hmm this post is going to be a rather depressing post. I don't know why. These days, my mood swings are frequent and tend to incline towards the negative. The tears fall so easily. I can't sleep well. Usually, i take afternoon naps but not anymore. I can't seem to make myself fall asleep. I wake up every few minutes and before i know it, an hour has passed. The thought that time passes by so quickly scares me sometimes.
I really have doubts about myself. Is this the path that i really want? Did i make the right choice? I had choices then but i couldn't decide. I didn't know what I want. And the worse thing is, even till now, i'm clueless. I haven't seem to gotten used to uni life yet. Not sure if it's because of the long 8 mth break that has made my brain gone all mouldy and turned me into a lazy bum but in short, i am uninspired. I am getting increasingly tired of the countless group meetings and never ending projects which are mentally and physically draining. Even before the numerous project meetings, I have this burden - afraid that i am not contributing enough and thus, being taken as a free-rider. Hence, I really dread meetings because I have added pressure. Actually, i know that sometimes all these supposed problems are actually non-existent and I do think too much but I can't help it. I feel overwhelmed. With the projects, I neglect my tutorials. The guilt of not reading the textbook beforehand, not finishing up my tutorials when my tutor goes through the answers is eating me up. Especially when exams are a month away. I don't want everything to pile up because I know that at the end, I get even more panicky. I HATE that feeling. But yet at the same time, I can't seem to sit myself down and say, YES i will read this and this and finish up this tutorial. More self-discipline, please!
Perhaps one reason could be the nature of the course. It's not clear-cut and straight-forward like what we have been doing all along frm primary sch to jc. Although I can't say I like science, it's something which at least I am comfortable with - structured and factual. You need lotsa creativity for business especially marke-ting and our very recent creative thinking assignment. And seriously, I feel very uncomfortable because you have to think out of the box and it's all about application of concepts. I think the past 12 years of education has not been very helpful in this sense, or mayb it's only me. The dull, boring, rigid me. And it doesn't help when everyone around you is confident and/or intelligent. It only accentuates your weaknesse(s) - low self-esteem, incompetence etc.
Things have not been looking up since recess ended. I must admit I didn't make full use of recess to revise and study but i did enjoy the time i spent meeting up with jc pals and pee buddz, fishhh and jul. I feel depressed almost every other day. When i come home everyday, I feel aimless. I have work to do but i shelf it off, hoping that it would go away somehow (escapism attitude) but yet the nagging from within is too strong to ignore. At the end, I reluctantly start on my work at the last minute. This is how the vicious cycle continues. To sidetrack a bit, I must thank pee buddz and deb for helping me with my creative writing assignment last week. Sorry for the trouble.
Many a time, I feel like dropping out of school but I hesitate when i think about what will happen after that. I know I need to be more rationale and less emotional. I know the mindset is everything and I should stay positive but during times like this, it's tough and your mind wonders.
Okie enough of my rambling, I should get started on my O.B.D project report before it's too late. Hopefully, things will get better 2 weeks later when most of my presentations and projects are over and i can sit myself down to revise. Miraculously, I feel slightly better now. Perhaps i should continue with the self-delusion that things can only get better. I just need more time.
Let me list the datelines:
1. Marketing Project -18 Oct
2. OBD Project - 19 Oct
3. Oral Assessment 2 - 22 Oct
4. Statistics Case - 23 Oct
5. Marketing Case - 1 Nov
*Breathes in*
