*bOuncy beans

Thursday, August 30, 2007
7:00 PM

I am in the dormitory now and this is my first entry. Haha.

Okie, time sure flies. It's already been a month since school has started. And the worse thing is i'm seriously lagging behind in all my readings and projects are piling up (both assessed and non-assessed). I feel stressed and insecure! Especially so, when i am venturing into an unknown field, not knowing what is in store for me in the future. I guess right now, I can only pray hard and hope that everything will turn out fine eventually. I don't want to be a worrywart but i guess at times like this, i can't really help it. Plus the textbooks are so thick and for each lecture, the lecturer covers a few topics. Whoever said that life after j.c. is easy is so wrong, i tell you. I mean, how can anyone possibly make such a statement. Okie, i need lots of jiayou! Econs is already killing me and there's a quiz coming up in 2 weeks. Oh ya... and one thing about school, class participation counts towards assessment. So it means i have to speak up, not that i'm afraid to speak up, i think, but my mind is blank when the tutor asked for opinions or questions to ask pertaining to the marketing etc. And I tell you the guys in my class are damn smart, or at least that's what i think. I think business is really more of a guy's thing than a girl's. They know whatever is happening in the economy. The U.S. sub prime market. And what have i been reading? All along, I have only been reading articles mostly related to the community and education. Gosh! okie, i know i should stop whining. Right now, the only thing is to pull up my socks and buck up. I think i'm like an ostrich. I rather dig a hole in the ground and hide myself (or maybe my head) than to be brave and face the danger. When i encounter problems, i tend to want to escape. I want an easier alternative. Yup, if you're guessing i'm loser, you are so right. Sighx. In short, life is hard.

Okie that's all for now. I should be doing my readings for tomorrow. Anyway, I am looking forward to the weekend but when Monday comes, my mood swings set in. So i am glad it's thursday but i ain't looking forward to friday because there's going to be a consecutive 6-hr lesson marathon.

Come to think of it, even though i've always grumbled about how much i don't like j.c. I realised I do miss my j.c. friends and my j.c. life. And i haven't meet up with them for ages. Like they always say, don't take things for granted. I can totally relate to that now.

Well, i'm glad i've found a few (countable) good friends. And things are certainly better with deb around. I'm ever grateful to her for her encouragements and presence. By the way, she's sleeping now because of her headache. Hope she feels better when she wakes up.

JIAYOU, BIN! I CAN DO IT! :)

roxysurfer__//binnie

Friday, August 3, 2007
5:05 PM

Well, you, you and you are here to read about my experience at camp.

To cut things short, i didn't enjoy myself. Things got off to a bad start when i handed in my indemnity form. I got a rude shock when the person-in-charge told me that i am now in another group. I started to feel uneasy because i was already prepared to go to camp with this nice bunch of people whom i've met on Saturday. I know this is dumb but being the sensitive person i am, i secretly wondered if it was my fault after all. Did i do anything wrong on Saturday, hence becoming the "CHOSEN ONE" to switch group.

Initially, i thought the new group was okie but turned out otherwise. I felt very small in my group. I felt insignificant and neglected maybe because i was very quiet or maybe because there were other reasons which i do not intend to elaborate. You may think that maybe i read too much into things. Hmmm well, i do not deny that there's such a possibility. But basically, i didn't feel right in my new group.

And yes, some of the games were downright dirty which i found absolutely disgusting! Like threading rope into girls' shirts and guys' shirts and pants and then passing a packet of ice through the thread whereby only the girls could move the packet. So, I had to put my virgin hand into the guys' shirts and pants to retrieve the packet of ice and pass it on. Eeewww yucks!

Plus i injured my big toe in the midst of this game where we were blind-folded for around 5 hours from 9pm to 2 am. Being blind-folded coupled with my short-sightedness, i was as blind as a bat. We could only be led around by seniors. At this station, I climbed onto a few chairs to a greater height above ground and stood on a table. Then, they guided me to hold a monkey bar (i think) and feel for the edge of the table. I took a step forward and was clinging onto the bar with no support from beneath. I had to let go upon my seniors' instructions. I thought there was going to be a tunnel underneath but alas, it was a pail of freezing cold water. In the process, my big toe got caught at the side of the pail before it hit the base of the pail. I did not scream or rather, i was afraid to. I knew i was injured but i carried on being blind-folded, thinking that it was only a minor bruise. Up till this point, I know you must be wondering how dumb i am. I don't blame you because i share your sentiments.

Oh ya.. and there was another game involving drinking some toilet bowl water or some equally disgusting combination in the toilet. Fortunately, i was the last few and miss playing this game.

When all ended and we were told to release my blindfold, i was in for another shock. My toe was bleeding! Sheesh.

As a result, i missed the next day's games which were mostly associated with water since my toe was bandaged.

Throughout the 2nd day of the camp, i was getting more and more depressed. I just felt very inferior. Sad to say, it was quite bad. Perhaps, it was the people, the environment that made me feel this way or maybe it was due to my mood swings, my negative thoughts, myself to be exact. If only I had been less self-conscious and be less bothered about superficialities like people's opinions, i guess i wouldn't be feeling this way right now.

This may sound a tad bit serious but this episode has scarred me. I can feel my self-confidence dipping to its lowest point. Now, i am even more afraid of meeting new people, especially people who are different from me. Having said that, I am NO LONGER looking forward to any orientation! However, there's a business school orientation on Monday. How i wished we could just skip monday. I am dreading it. To sum it all up, i seriously think uni's pretty scary. :'(

Being a very judgmental person, i know that once i form an opinion of someone or something, it would be very difficult for me to change my perception and convince myself that things would get better. Sighx. Things are seemingly bleak so much so that I am forced to question my choices, my decisions that I made earlier on. Somehow, I secretly wished I had more time back then to make this decision. Would the outcome still be the same? I know it's useless to ponder over such stuff but i can't help myself.

But after considering all factors, i chose to stick to this decision because i knew the latter would involve a lot of trouble and unnecessary stress and I don't think i can stomach all these. I would like to express my heartfelt thanks to these people mainly fish, yoyo and bird who have lent their listening ear and supported me.

On the other hand, my toe's not too good. The doctor said it would take a month before it will fully recover. It still feels a bit numb and can't really move by itself. Hmm so it means i can't exercise for a month though the doctor says that swimming is recommended such that i don't become a couch potato for the month. I really hope my toe will heal soon. This is the 2nd time my another toe is injured. I remember the 1st time was when i fell off the bed in sec 4. Haha. Another thank you to fish, kwa, deb, yoyo and bird for your well-wishes. Here's wishing my toe a speedy recovery! :)

On a side note, i've not been feeling well today because i've suffered from abdominal pains all the way from morning (i was lying in bed and refuse to wake up) till now. It cames in intervals and it's not that i-need-to-shit kind of pain. It's from within and when it comes, i cringe! Boo! :(

roxysurfer__//binnie